Wednesday, July 28, 2021
Thursday, July 15, 2021
Monday, July 12, 2021
Black Widow
The year was 1995. The Soviet Union, which still existed – a
nation of sexist pig men – was already plotting #Russiagate and the ultimate aim
of the Russian people: the derailment of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential ambitions.
What the Russians lacked in competence or sobriety, they
made up for in sheer numbers and masculine bravado, which no one could say was
silly because the CIA hadn’t invented irony yet.
James Comey, then a workaday G-Man, earned his first
commendation for unloading a full M16 clip at a Piper Cub of dastardly Slavic
children.
But something even worse than Russians was afoot. If America
was a melting pot, her pressure release valve was stopped up. No longer could right-thinking,
educated Americans crack wise at the expense of the less powerful. Or at least,
at those in close proximity – think a six-hour flight or shorter. Government
metaphysicians warned policymakers that, unless late night talk show hosts off-gassed
some serious racial stereotyping, the country was at risk of going kablooey.
Look! There she is, rattling away betwixt the tender shins
and calves of European spectators! Something had to give.
But then, two problems provided the solution to the other. A
bright young analyst at State’s Bureau of Intelligence and Research penned a
memo that came to be known as the Fornier Attachment – so named for the author
and means of delivery.
Why not, Ms. Fornier humbly suggested, we substitute the
Russians themselves for Black people, Mexicans, Chinese, Jews, etc., etc.? The
Russians were indisputably awful – drunk, fat, tattooed, and constantly fucking
up their bioweapon containment. Plus, and it was a big plus, they were white.
Ms. Fornier’s INR department head struck out just a single
word – “Chinese” – forwarded the email to the relevant Assistant Secretary of
State, and history was made.
Subsequent study, however, revealed that there were in fact
Russian women, easy to miss in the shadow of their bloated counterparts. Not
only did the Russian woman exist, but she had developed powers of hyper-competence
to compensate for the inept buffoons running her home and nation.
Not one to miss a beat, Emily Fournier – since elevated from
the basement of Foggy Bottom to the National Security Council – decided to incorporate
the complication into her plans.
At the highest levels of classification and the direct order
of President Clinton, she launched the Black Widow initiative, which recruited
the most badassed of pre-pubescent Slavic girls into an elite unit of assassins,
New Republic writers, and warbling neofolk songstresses. Tactics varied, but
the goal was constant: make Russian men look as bad as possible, ideally reduced
to that tier of butt at which truly any idiot can toss a joke and carry on his
day, that much less likely to co-sign the wrong kinds of violence.
And so, the Black Widow program carries on to this day,
making the world safe for democracy and the next generation of SAIS graduates,
which are the same thing. The end.